im just a girl tryin to find a place in this world

theres this girl who barely eats anymore. she can hardly breathe. every morning she wakes up sweating from a bad nightmare about him. theres this girl whos a fighter but is always blinded. she opened her eyes and was a little to late. theres this girl who loves this boy and loved everything he did. she loved the build a bear, the teasing sometimes, she loved cuddling, she loved how he always had a solution to a problem, she loved how no matter how stress she was he made her smile. theres this girl who takes her anger on everyone and never noticed it. theres this girl who wants to be bettter. theres this girl who never wanted to be a better person and wanted to stay the same, but now she wants to bloom. theres this girl who sees everyone differently and loves differently. theres this girl who loves a boy with all her heart. theres a girl who tries not to break down everytime she sees him. theres a girl who is doing everything to win him over, but she’ll always be a minute late. theres this girl who will never give up and keep the fight even when he pushes her away, because she loves him. theres this girl who wishes she could of done things differently. theres this girl who wish she said thank you that one time, theres a girl who wish you knew how she is dying on the inside. theres a girl who wish you knew how much she loved you. theres a girl who wish you’d believe. theres a girl who cries herself to sleep,  but wakes up still wishing. theres a girl who prays every day and night to make things work because she’s lost faith in everyone but God, theres a girl who just wants to do something right, theres a girl who wants a chance, theres a girl who wants you too see even though she knows she messed up, theres a girl you mean so much to because your special. theres a girl who loves the feeling you give her, that girl is me.

who the hell am i? because i really can’t figure it out and i feel soo lost. i’m a girl hidden under make-up, i really am i fighter you just have to look deeper in. people say i’m strong but i don’t see it, maybe because i go back to people who killed me inside and out. i don’t give up, because i feel like no matter what its meant to be if we went through hell and back, some people say sometimes the person you wanna be with isn’t right for you and i’ve learned to believe it’s not true to me at all. i think if you wanna fix it, you can. if you have the hope and love anything is possible.

i have this problem. who am i kidding, i have alot. its a struggle to fix them but i never really give up on trying but for some reason i’m never getting far enough and it just keeps failing. i have this addiction to cut myself, and i have major anxiety. so yes i blame myself for everything which teds to lead people to cut. i feel like everything in this world is my fault. everything is happening because i messed it up. i lost apart of me and i can feel it. i feel empty on the inside and i don’t think i’ll ever recover. i’m trying to be a better me, but you were my only back bone to strive too. i messed it all up, i guess now i’m kinda hopeless. i never gave up on you but who would of thought you’d give up on me. i know i have issues but you were the only one to cure them. i can’t stand living in my house. i feel unwanted everywhere. your house was my paradise and now i have nothing. its never your choice its always theres. i never let my parents take over, but you always do. its crazy because i’d do anything for you. i guess no one wants to chase after a girl like me, because they never have. i wish i didn’t have so many issues with myself, i have no one. not even a friend. i guess i’m kinda just a crazy girl, more like a mess. you were the only thing that accepted me for who i was, but  i guess you really didn’t because you would of got why i snapped. i thought your parents loved me, but i guess that was just being two faced, after all your mom helped me through i don’t even know whats true. she never really cared is what i feel, so why does she care if i’m okay or not. i’m sick and tired of all this shit thats happening. you bought me a ring but i guess thats all thrown away because your parents can’t accept me.  you said you never wanted to leave, but what was that? because i really don’t know anymore. i thought i was your everything, but apparently not. i always fuck up, and i will never forgive myself for that. because i’m a wreck, i’m a mess and i’ll never be enough.

i don’t know why it bothers me so much if you do stufff with other girls because i completely tore your heart into a million pieces. you watched me love another guy who hurt me sooo much, it crazy. but yet i can’t watch you do things with other girls. i guess i’m just scared, because i love how you are always worrying about me and caring about me, and make sure everything is okay. everyone always leaves me cold on the side of the road and i’m forgotten about. i like how you always think about me. it makes me feel so wanted, because that’s all i want in this world. i’m scared you’ll just fall for someone else, and then i’m just a forgotten story in your book. like everyone else’s old book with torn pages. you won’t care about me anymore or worrying about me, or think of me. i don’t know why i’m so angry about this, maybe because i did actually love you and miss you in some ways, i don’t know, i’m confused myself. what is happening? i’m just to much of a jealous person because everyone always forgets about me.

i know i’ve mad so many promises and said things and probably broke them. but there was something special about you that you never stopped believing in me or caring for me. you think if me as this whole other person, not just an ordinary girl. it touches my heart. i know i’ve hurt you alot, and i wish i didn’t. i wish i could take it all back. but i can’t imagine how i could ever function without you. you always encourage me to do everything or just tell me it’s okay and to brush it off. you always have my back even if your friends think you shouldn’t. that is a real friend to me. a friend that still hasn’t left yet. i want you to know i still and always will have your back. but like i said i made some promises and broke them, but i’ve been thinking lately, and i found a promise that you can hold me on that i will keep, i want you to trust me on this one and believe it. i’ve decided if “he” hurts me this time, i’m seriously gone for good. i’ve seen lately that i rather be alone than chasing after someone who just hurt me for the millionth time, even if i love it. i do love him alot and i hope he won’t hurt me again, but my promise is, i won’t go back if he does because i know that would kill your heart again, and i can’t see my close friends heart break again.

i really did like you, but just sometimes i felt like we were different. i always wanted to be goofy but you just sat there. i wanted you to be goofy too, even if it was so weird. you made me smile alot and happy more than ever. it just made it even harder you couldnt drive. one thing that was hard is was hard to tell how you felt because you showed it in a different way. i wish i could if saw it. i felt like i was going to get over him, but you just pushed me away. i wish it wasn’t like that, or this because i really do miss you. maybe i just wasn’t right for you. i know there is someone out there perfect for you. i miss you alot. but it all happened for some reason it never means its done for even if it feels like it. i want you to know i still think about you a lot and i still do miss you. like today i so badly just wanted to go to your table and cry, my table made me soo upset, but it just felt so weird to. i know i hurt you and when i look in your eyes thats all i see is this hurt and it kills me. i wish i never hurt you. i want you to be happy. please. just remember this there is so much more i just can’t explain. you were and are still special to me, i know i can tell you anything always, and i hope you know you can always tell me anything and i’ll ALWAYS be here for you.

i feel like i’m stuck in a world where NO ONE understands me. no one understands why i feel the way i feel, or why i do the things i do. i don’t know one person who does. i never meant to hurt anyone, i told myself i would never break someones heart but i did, what is happening to me? my mind is going crazy. i’m lost in this world and have no idea where to go at all. who am i anymore? someone i told myself i’d never be. someone please pull me out of this world. i can’t take this anymore. everyday i feel more and more hurt, and i’m sad all the time. i don’t know what to do, because no one understands. no one feels what i feel. no one can feel how much hurt i have. i feel like no one will ever. i can’t even explain it in words. i’m at this point where i never think i’ll give up cutting, its my drug. i loved you, i just don’t know. i’m one of those weird people who think about the future and who always thinks about if i’m gunna have a husband in the future, thats my true fear, because i want a loving husband and kids, and i just saw it in your eyes that was never going to happen, i had to let go fast and early and not get to attached because i just could see my heart breaking sooner or later when i had to leave, had to leave for college everything. i don’t know what to do anymore. i can’t even speak anymore. i don’t even wanna talk to anyone. if i could i would sit in my room all day and just listen to music, no phone no nothing. i wouldnt know what month or day it was, i’d just be living day by day because thats what it feels like. everyday is a struggle for me. i barely make it through. i wish i could go back and time, i wish i knew why its like this now, why i’m in this middle world with just me on in it. i’m lost on a broken dirt path, its broken in so many pieces i can’t keep up on where to go. i’m losing myself, i don’t even know me anymore. i am a nobody. a loner. who’s scared of tiny things just like having a husband. call me a tad silly. but i can’t help it, because this anixety i’ve had my whole life. it haunts me with everyday of my life. i get these weird feelings, i cry over stupid things, but thats me, but the thing is i don’t know who me is right now. 

i swear i only get on here when i’m like in my feelings, but oh well, i guess thats kind what this is for, either way i love to just get on and type away. i love that feeling of comfort, someone who is there and you know if you fall back they will catch you and help you get back to your feet safety. i love knowing i have someone to support me through the way, and be there for me for every challenge of the way, but see, i don’t have that. most people have their family, but i don’t really. i wish i had more of that comfort feeling and for sure knowing someone will be there, but i’m always questioning if they will. i have someone who has caught be a lot recently and you know i don’t know what i would of done if they didn’t, even after me being so mean and hurtful they still caught me. which is kinda weird because i’m that kinda person too, i guess when you really care for someone or other people you’d do anything even if they were an enemy. but sometimes, i don’t know if someone will be there to catch that one fall, i wish i knew for sure. i mean i kinda feel like that someone is for sure there, but i wish sometimes people would actually come out and say it, say that they’re here for when i fall that they love me, they’re there to comfort you. i wish i knew how people felt because most of the time i think people don’t care for me, i always feel invisible like on my own world, its kinda sat because i’m kinda used to it now. i’m always forgotten about which tears me to my core because i know i do so much for people, well sometimes i believe it, but people sometimes tell me i do, but how could someone forget you if you did so much for them? it kills me. deeply inside. it doesn’t make any sense to me. i wish i knew, i wish i wasn’t just a ghost to people, i wish i was someone. at least someone to someone out there.